So the kids are getting to be A Certain Age, which is to say old enough to have experienced the joys of taking Human Growth and Development in school at least once, if not several times. Additionally, the eldest of these children is in her freshman year at a fancy biosciences high school and evidently they have really revved the ol’ sex ed classes up compared to what we suffered through in our tender years, oh so many years ago.
A couple of weeks ago this eldest, once-painfully-shy child came home and made a gleefully sardonic remark about ANAL, ORAL, AND VAGINAL SEX! And then said that her Human Development teacher, who is apparently the epitome of cool, told them that IF YOU SHOULD EVER FIND A PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH, you should use a condom so as to not get diseases. She found great hilarity in this phrase IF YOU SHOULD EVER FIND A PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH and occasionally repeats it to tremendous humorous effect.
We find that we end up discussing these kinds of things at the dinner table, and yeah, it turns out that all that crap everybody says about the dinner table being a great place to connect with your family is really true because I don’t think we’d do the same over slices of pizza on the sofa with a tv show going. Anyway, the youngest child was talking with her mouth full despite roughly ten years of being told not to, and The Lovely Rhonda asked her HAVE YOU GOT A PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH? And we all died of the laughter, including the youngest. So we have begun to threaten them with saying this to them if they talk with their mouths full even out amongst the unsuspecting public. This is no idle threat and they know it. We are exactly the sort of people who would totally do this, i.e. terribly uncouth and/or super cool.
Tonight the eldest regaled us with a tale of successfully answering a question in class about ERECTION AND EJACULATION. This led to the youngest asking what an erection is. With predictable results.
First TLR had to explain that a penis in its resting state is flaccid.
Youngest kid: What does “flaccid” mean?
TLR: Well, uh, soft and squishy, you know, limp, dangling…
I could not stop myself.
Me: Hey guys, remember that one car we had when you were really little and it had the antenna that drooped (*describing an arc in the air with my hand*) and the car’s name was Flopsy?
Eldest child: MAMA NO WHAT EW OMG WHAT NO I USED TO PLAY WITH THAT ANTENNA EW NO WHAT NOOOOOO
And then we all laughed until we cried and said PENIS like fifty more times and now the kids are clearing the table and life is good.