So we got married on Saturday. The first time was of course just for show. And to get lattes.
After that we stampeded on home to throw some of our stuff in the van and then head to the beauty school down the street for some beautification.
Because, you know, it’s a weddin’. We got to look all purty. And, I’m a lesbian. For a long time, my idea of beautification involved wearing my newer Crocs, and maybe earrings. So, although I’ve come a long way in recent years, I’m not exactly well-versed in Fancy Hair.
We had inquired at the salon we usually frequent, about whether they could gussy us up for the nuptials. Sure, they said, but it would cost ninety dollars.
Oh, and they didn’t have two appointments available that day anyway.
So no. The Lovely Rhonda then phoned up the beauty school to see what could be done. Turns out they are always looking for
victims guinea pigs customers.
At the beauty school they managed to get the entire wedding party — the brides, the three little-girl attendants, my oldest friend from high school, and our babysitter — done in about an hour. And, at fifteen bucks a pop, it was 105.00 plus tip for the entire posse.
A few days ago I posted a rather snarky comment on Facebook about some ladies, a mother and daughter, that I saw at the supermarket. They looked as though they had just stepped out of that Jersey Shore show — voluminous dyed black hair, snug outfits, designer purses, teetery shoes, tons of cleavage, heavy makeup.
Guess who owns the salon?
Jersey Mama. Nice lady, as it turns out. Remind me to cut the snark back a little further.
The nervous, sweaty students spent this hour applying every curling iron in the building to the various hairs of our various heads. I learned some stuff.
1. If you normally have straight hair, curls are required for fancy events.
2. The opposite is true if you normally have curly hair.
3. Curling irons come in a dizzying array of “barrel sizes.”
4. A 5-year-old will sit unnaturally still for an hour if a teenaged beauty school student is wielding a hot hairstyling implement to her head.
5. It takes a solid hour of attention with a one-inch-diameter-barrelled curling iron, as well as expert supervision by a trained professional, to make my hair straight.
6. Not to mention about a can and a half of hairspray.
7. Curly hair is much longer when straightened. (I already knew this but threw it in because it was dramatically longer and I felt that this deserved mention).
Afterward we returned home for a mad scramble of gathering various Fancy Event Costuming bits and personal care products after which we high-tailed it to the church, arriving only about fifteen minutes later than we had estimated. Not bad.
Next: The Weddin’, Part III: BRIDEZILLA UNLEASHED