So The Lovely Rhonda and I went to rearrange one of her girls’ rooms today. She wants a desk like my kid has now, and we figured why not?
Oh, so many reasons why not.
First thing we find out is that one of the four drawers (two each side) of the captain’s bed is defunct. The little screws that affix the drawer track to the bed were completely pulled out. And the composite wood/glue stuff the bed is made of is not the sort of thing you can repair easily.
Okay, so we’ll put that side of the bed toward the wall. We start removing things from all the drawers, so we can move the darn thing. And of course we find that the drawer that backs up to this one is similarly broken.
A short conference is called and it is decided that we must make an emergency trip to Ikea. This bed must be replaced.
Then the smallest child in the house, as we are gathering shoes and coats, calmly enters the bathroom and vomits copiously.
Change of plans. I will run to Ikea alone. Nobody else really wanted to go anyway and we can’t take Barfy McPukerpants with us.
On the way there I return a call from an old friend who is in town for a few days. Unfortunately he is in town because his mother passed away. But he’s got some time to hang out before getting back on the plane tomorrow to return to his wonderful family, and for some inexplicable reason he’s willing to spend it with us! So I meet him at Ikea and he is patient with me as I communicate with TLR using the only means available to me in Ikea, the text message. I think they block cell signal for the same reason casinos have no clocks or windows — to cut you off from reality so you will spend more time, and therefore money. Stressed people who have to either send a million tedious text messages or else — horror! — rely on guesswork and long-distance mind-reading tend to lose all touch with sanity and make expensively bad decisions.
At any rate we finally obtain the needed items and head back to The Burrow, where we surprise TLR because I did not tell her that my friend was coming too. TLR then runs a few errands with the one of her children who is not throwing up while Graham and I begin demolition on the old bed frame. What we find when we remove the mattress is that the metal bracers that run diagonally from the center of the frame to the corners are suspiciously bowed and bent. As if, say, children — certainly not OUR children — had been, oh, perhaps, JUMPING on the bed.
That can’t possibly be the situation, because OUR children would NEVER do that. Perish the expensive thought!
We then begin assembling the new dresser which goes about how you might think. Go ahead and conjecture amusingly to yourselves about how we put pieces on upside down or pounded dowels so hard they broke through to the outside of the dresser shell, etc. etc. This will save time and keystrokes at my end.
When TLR returns she is not in any mood to cook so I take over (meatloaf, and it was delicious) while she and Graham finish assembly of the dresser and bedframe. This involves rather more hammering than I suspect is strictly called for in the instructions, and at one point I was rather breezily asked where one might find a set of drill bits in the shithole that is our garage. But aside from these things I stayed ignorant of the entire process, as is my wont. I am not a fan of the assembly process if it is not taking place under my specific, rather exacting specifications. These specifications include the tedious sorting of materials and painstaking, step-by-step adherence to the instruction manual in excruciating detail. Since virtually no other human being of my acquaintance will follow this process, I usually leave the room and
get drunk find something else to do until the project is completed.
At last the dresser and frame are done and the children, after a stern lecture about Why We Do Not Jump On Beds, and furthermore How Many Weeks Of Allowance a new bed frame might cost a child caught jumping on a bed, are all either asleep or close to it. The pukey child spent some time napping on the couch and appears to be over the worst of it, and tomorrow morning we will finish what was supposed to happen today.
They say life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. I say, life is what happens whether you like it or not and this is why wood glue and alcoholic beverages were both invented.