Kettlebellter Skelter


So despite having had very little sleep the past couple of nights (thank you, school district, for having “earthquake drills” for 1st graders without providing said 1st graders some information about what an earthquake is and how unlikely we are to have one and that if we do have one it is likely to be very mild; you will be receiving a bill for my lost sleep), I did make it to the gym this morning for a lively session with Helga.

Unfortunately, owing to Pressing Matters weighing heavily on my mind, I neglected to eat before I went.  This is hardly proper and I do not advise it, and is precisely the reason I was unable to stay and do cardio afterward as is my usual routine.

I am also suffering from a mild head cold, which combined with insomnia and Pressing Matters has left me somewhat less than in top form.  So endeth the excuses disclaimers.

Nevertheless, I showed up which is all the sweeter a victory.  If this was easy I would not be inclined to write amusing blog entries about it.

Today Helga had something new up his fashionable burlap sleeve.  He brought out an instrument of torture with which I was previously acquainted with only by reputation.  To wit, a coworker shared with me his sad condition (back strain) brought on by enthusiastically embracing the kettlebell phenomenon after hearing our facility psychiatrist rave about it.  Word to the wise:  a naturally lithe, moderately athletic doctor who probably receives professional instruction is no one to take exercise advice from, particularly if you’re a bit more sedentary and somewhat more …. mature.  Just FYI.

Anyway, here comes Helga bearing a squatty little cannonball with a flat bottom and thick iron handle.  He demonstrates for me something known as the “Turkish get-up.”  This sounds like it should be some kind of national costume, but instead it is a fiendish torment, no doubt designed to break down infidels incarcerated in Turkish prisons.  I present an image stolen directly from the internet:


The idea is you go from laying down to standing up in six easy steps.  And then you reverse them.  And then you do it again for a total of six times total, three with the weight in one hand, three with the weight in the other, while planking and performing the “kettlebell swing” in between times.

For those of you fortunate enough to not be acquainted with the kettlebell swing, it is described in detail elsewhere on the internet.  I found this particular passage the most compelling:  “At this point in the swing, you should have your forearms push up against your groin and the kettlebell extending out behind you. After the kettlebell reaches its peak decline, you will simultaneously squat up and thrust your pelvis forward.”

Sexy, no?

I’m not sure what “squat up” means, only that it frightens me a little.


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