So I went to the gym again today. It’s starting to become some kind of habit or something.
Helga made me do the usual unspeakable acts, and afterward I retreated to the safety of the DeathMaster.
Now, I’ve been sick lately and you’d be surprised how much it takes it out of you to have a Chronic Digestive Ailment That I Am Mercifully Not Describing in Detail, You’re Quite Welcome. I go to work and come home and sit like a zombie for the rest of the evening. Probably this is how The Lovely Rhonda got me to watch the first episode of Glee; first hit’s always free and now I’m hooked. But that’s another blog post.
So I fires up the DeathMaster and I punches in the info: program, weight, level, time. Enjoy your workout! it tells me. I begin to trudge.
Silly me, I thought I could just suck it up and continue on at my former pace as though I had not spent the past three weeks in hedonistic indolence, eating nothing but processed foods (doctor’s orders!). Twenty minutes? Ho ho! It is to laugh! I completely bonked at eleven minutes, even after pausing the machine twice for a quick breather. I toyed with the idea that I could just turn it down a level, but no. Almost without conscious thought I found that I had turned the machine off and dismounted.
Speaking of the dismount, is it just me or is there really no graceful way to lob one’s carcass onto and off of the DeathMaster? This is partly because of the exercise-related accessories that I find I simply must have: water bottle, small towel (for sweat-related issues, ew!), and MP3 player with headphones. There is no way to hold these many things in your hands and grip the handrails firmly as instructed per the very detailed litigation-prevention decal pasted prominently on the DeathMaster’s sleek metal carapace. So it’s a clumsy sort of hyurk! that happens and with luck my various accoutrement don’t get ejected in the process. Then may I place my items in their appointed places and the trudging can commence. The dismount is no better. The lowest step tilts at a weird, ankle-threatening angle and so I must perform an ungainly reverse-hyurk! to get down from the second step which is at roughly chin-level.
It’s ever so much more wonderful to do this with one’s back to the glassed walls of the racquetball courts full of sweaty old guys in terrycloth wristbands whacking their blue balls around. (Heh.)
First world problem of the traditionally-built gym member, yes. I know. May this be the worst of my trials.