So today was another grueling session with Helga. I’m pretty sure Helga has some kind of Axis II diagnosis.
As always I warmed up by cozying up to my bosom friend, the DeathMaster. Ten minutes or so and I was sweaty and fully prepared to go home. Just in time for Helga to arrive!
We started with some delightful squatting exercises. What is the obsession with squatting? I was made to squat and then stand up and push a million pound hand weight1 to the ceiling. I did this about fifty bajillion2 times. Maybe sixty bajillion. After 45 bajillion I kind of lose count. And then I had to do some kind of arm thing with a barbell like the ones they use at the circus, where the strong man lifts up giant weights1, each one bigger than the planet Earth. You know the ones. I always thought that was for effect but it turns out that through modern advances in magic and improbability and some other stuff, this kind of thing is actually possible.
After I was sufficiently horrible with sweat and general loathesomeness, we moved on to YET ANOTHER SQUATTING EXERCISE, this one calling for repeatedly stepping up onto a platform with an enormous weight1 and again pushing it up toward the ceiling. Because that’s a useful skill.
And have I discussed planking with you yet, gentle reader(s)? This is where you put your elbows on a surface such as the floor or a bench or (if Helga is feeling sufficiently sadistic that day) one of those yoga ball things, and you hold the rest of your body straight like a plank, kind of like you were in the middle of a horrible pushup and something really bad happened with the space-time continuum3 and froze you there like that. You hold this position for about a week4 each time.
True story: my arms were so sweaty that my elbows lost purchase on the bench and I was compelled to break position and dry the bench and my arms off with my handy towel.
After I had complied with Helga’s demented schemes long enough for him to become bored with the whole thing5 he did something unspeakably wrong6 to my IT bands right there in front of the whole gym! I appealed to onlookers with my eyes but they all continued working out as though nothing was amiss.
I have another appointment on Monday. I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
1. ten pounds
2. fifteen times each set
3. Eddies, no doubt, though I’m not sure what kind of sofa he had this time
4. it really was a week, or else about 50 seconds.
5. 30 minutes
6. stretched them