So yesterday, because we have limited intelligence, we loaded the Collective Spawn up for a drive to Scary Acres, a piece of forested property owned by my Aunt Scary.
She’s not really scary. Well, not that scary. She called herself that in jest when she gave a birthday card with a shark on it to Elder Spawn. One of her sons wondered if it wouldn’t be too scary for Delia, who I think was turning just a year old, so she jokingly signed it Aunt Scary. Delia doesn’t spook easily and the card didn’t phase her, but she will forever be Aunt Scary to us.
At any rate, there was, predictably, an episode in which the two younger spawn chose to strike one another with stuffed animals and poke at one another with their various appendages, screeching all the while. Entreaties to cease and desist had no effect, and so The Lovely Rhonda raised threat level to Defcon 11 and Pulled The Van Over. The stuffed toys were confiscated and dire warning was issued.
Thus did negotiations begin with the older of the two. WELL I CAN’T SETTLE DOWN WITHOUT MY STUFFED NAME BRAND BEAR ™ SO I’M GOING TO SCREAM UNTIL I GET MY WAY.
No, you are mistaken. If you scream Name Brand Bear ™ will become the property of the acting government of this van and subject to appropriation for war efforts, i.e. stuffed into Rest Stop Garbage Can.
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO CALL YOU A POOPYHEAD UNTIL YOU GIVE MY NAME BRAND BEAR ™ BACK.
No, again you are mistaken. You may not call your mother a poopyhead. You may be quiet and read or look out the window and NOT poke anyone with anything, and after a time you may receive your property back.
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO (continues to threaten various acts, all of which were shot down)
Finally she was forced to concede and sat in mute fury for a time, during which we generals sat up front and discussed allowable acts of protest:
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO GESTURE AT YOU
Gestures are permitted so long as the tongue remains hidden from view and no middle fingers are utilized.
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO THINK BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU
Thinking bad thoughts is not a violation of the Chrysler Town & Country Convention of 2011, but may lead to disciplinary action in the event that the aforementioned thoughts are voiced loudly enough to be heard by any occupant of the vehicle.
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO THROW THINGS
No item may be thrown within the confines of the vehicle. Items thrown become the property of the presiding command.
WELL THEN I’M GOING TO BE SO ANGRY THAT I MAKE MYSELF THROW UP
Perpetrators of voluntary emesis will be barred from transportation in the vehicle except for purposes unrelated to voluntary leisure activity. Allowable activities include school, the dentist, and interminable boring grown-up errands. In the event of fun leisure activities, such perpetrators will be left at home with the manny while the rest of us have alleged fun at establishments specializing in activities such as, but not limited to, bouncing on germ-riddled inflatable equipment, playing console games at pizza parlors featuring costumed rodentia, and climbing through claustrophobia-inducing tunnels until somebody gets lost.
WELL THEN YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU
WELL THEN NOBODY LOVES ME AND I’M GOING TO BE A DRUG-USING SATAN-WORSHIPPING SULLEN TEEN OF LOOSE MORALS
Your room at the nunnery has been reserved since the day of your 20-week ultrasound.
WELL THEN can I have a fruit snack?