In which I am down for the count


Christmas came and went in all its glory and at the end of it I stood, bloodied but unbowed, ready to forge straight on through the New Year and get this mess over with.

Sadly, it was not to be.

Christmas night I went off to work an oncall shift in which a bitchy, entitled patient insisted I hand over oxycodone as she left for the ED, which I did not, which apparently makes me a monster; she “cannot wait until you guys are on this end of this situation” which I find highly unlikely as I have zero desire to abuse substances, unless they are office products or craft supplies.  Hey, to each his or her particular drug.  Don’t judge!

Anyway on the tail end of that shift (which by the way flew by like the wind what with all the drama, thank you bitchy entitled patient!) I began to suffer some Distressing Symptoms, which worsened considerably through the morning (it was a night shift) and by the afternoon on Sunday I was huddled on the couch miserably detailing individual sources of agony: the air.  The temperature of the air.  The oxygen content of the air.  The dog.  The other dog.  The hairs on the dogs.  The smelliness of the hairs on the dogs.  The tongues on the smelly hair covered dogs, the tongues with which they insist on attempting to lick my face.  The television with forty seven hundred channels but they are all broadcasting garbage.  The hunger in my broken stomach, the other Digestive Complaints that I will not now detail for you, the unfairness of it all, the rampant horrible Republicanism, poverty, disease, famine WHY IS THERE NOTHING ON TELEVISION.

This went on for two solid days and the only reason my belongings are not in cardboard boxes in the driveway is because Rhonda is also under the weather and hasn’t the energy to put them there.  God is truly merciful, friends; it is indeed a Christmas miracle that I still have a place to live.

At any rate this morning the clouds parted, food was eaten and stayed where it belonged for a more respectable period of time than previously, and I possess sufficient energy to perform basic household tasks once more.  I even, after more sleep in the past two days than in the weeks prior, have found that I am unable to nap any further.

But there is still nothing on television.

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