An Open Letter to My Doctor’s Office

Specifically to the billing department:

Dear Useless Rude “Customer Service Representatives,”

I have this little thing called “health insurance.”  It pays a certain portion of my bills.

Each time I visit my doctor, you send me a statement in which the billing information is completely wrong.  Today, for instance, The Lovely Rhonda called you to inquire as to why you attempted to bill Medicare (for her bill) and Some Other Insurance Company (for mine).  Not surprisingly, both agencies had declined to pay up.

Just for the record, by the way, it may not be the best policy to inform your customers that you bill the insurance company “as a courtesy.”  This little “courtesy” is provided by virtually every medical office in the free world.  Getting all snappy about it when we become frustrated that you mess it up EVERY SINGLE TIME isn’t going to improve your track record, nor is it all that enticing for me as the customer.   Although there is something to be said for its entertainment value.

I am not sure that you realized how close to instant blistering death you came as you spoke with The Lovely Rhonda today.  She is currently affected by The PMS.  Perhaps I should have warned you that I brought her a nice bottle of Coppola Rosso and some chocolate this morning in anticipation of how my very survival depended on it she’d need them both before the day was through (the chocolate by early afternoon, the wine after 5pm as is civilized).

So anyway, imagine our surprise when we contacted the insurance company and found that both bills had been paid.  The Lovely Rhonda duly phoned you back to inform you of this and provided you with the draft number, the date it was paid, and the date it cleared.  And your response?  “Oh, okay.  Call us back in two weeks to verify that the payment has been applied to your account.”

I am truly shocked that she did not actually reach through the phone and throttle you, as I might have done.  Instead, she oh so gently informed you that she had done more than her part and that if your company couldn’t track its own accounts receivable, it was none of her affair.

I so look forward to further interactions with you, O Inept, Unhelpful Billing Department!  Truly it is an education in how not to conduct business.

Sincerely,

The Lovely Rhonda’s Handler

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