So it turns out that all personal trainers are just replicants fashioned after a prototype I like to call Helga. Helga is from East Cherman Svim Team and eats nothing but fiber and protein, sleeps six hours a night exactly, and takes invigorating plunges into icy rivers to build character. She bounds around in stretchy form-fitting clothing expounding the virtues of cardio and can hardly wait each day to torment unsuspecting innocents introduce new gym members to the joys of fitness.
Our new trainer at La Fitness (it’s French!) is male and African American, yet I will still refer to him as Helga because he is obviously cut of the same cloth. Neither I nor the Ol’ Ball and Chain can bend at the waist right now, and I see fistfuls of ibuprofen in our future.
Okay, all kidding aside, Helga totally kicked our asses today — and he was just ASSESSING us.
Pray for us, internets…