Or, How I Spent My Wedding Day and Honeymoon.
1. Drop miscellaneous Collective Spawn at respective destinations: school, babysitter, preschool.
2. Drop by bank to notarize paperwork.
3. Drive to state capitol, turn in paperwork to Secretary of State’s office. While waiting, peruse applications for other romantic occasions such as obtaining business licenses.
4. Wait for different clerk when first clerk informs us that he cannot help us because (and how he said this with a straight face is beyond me) he does not have “the right equipment,” i.e. the machine that prints cards.
5. Meet second clerk, hand over paperwork and identification and fifty dollars cash American. Titter madly to one another about the first clerk and his “equipment.”
6. Receive swanky certificates (suitable for framing) and WALLET CARDS. Take that, straight people! You may have twice the rights we do but do you get WALLET CARDS? I think not! Although personally I think they should have barcodes on them so we can get discounts at Home Depot (lesbians) or Pottery Barn (gay men) or Starbucks (both).
7. Rush back to Vancouver, collect spawn, cake, and breath, and hit Gigantic Indoor Climbing Structure ™ for youngest child’s 3rd birthday party.
8. Complete party, return to domicile, and madly clean kitchen as unexpected in-laws mill about. Bonus: houseguest and father-in-law complete assembly of 12′ trampoline and enclosure. Supervise children on trampoline. Shovel exhausted children into beds.
9. Pass out.
10. Awaken at 7:30am and begin preparations for older girls’ Hip Hop Dance Class, i.e. Synchronized Seizures For Children. Drop spawn off at respective exes’ and drive to Portland for funeral of BFF from high school’s father. Fight PMS-and-emotionally-induced tears unsuccessfully. Sniffle into kleenex. Eat lunch at expensive restaurant, and toast Poppa’s life with (single) alcoholic beverage. Drive back to Vancouver.
11. Freshen up and shop for party favors. Receive call that oldest spawn has fallen and is injured. Race home for insurance card and drive to ER. Find child with ex and provide comfort and reassurance during xrays and splinting of broken arm. Purchase ibuprofen and other items and drop them at ex’s while ex takes spawn out for McDonalds (and highly-sought-after Happy Meal toy).
12. Arrive at one’s own party an hour late. Drink moderately in the company of friends, acquaintances, and drag queens. Eat of cake. Endure karaoke. Laugh and enjoy the well-wishes of friends.
13. Be driven home by friends. Pass out.
1. Sleep most of day.
2. Accept ride from friend to pick up cars downtown. Yay for responsible consumption of alcohol!
3. Grill steaks and play WoW.
4. Pass out.